Losing to win!

So I just purchased my goal dress . I was so very very thankful for the coupon code Newport News sent me - because that 25% off and free shipping made all the difference between me buying the dress today like I wanted and waiting a week to get it - that is, if they still had it in a size 10.  Throughout the entire process of purchasing the dress I felt the butterflies flying madly about inside. I’m nervous and excited at the idea of fitting into it!

I’m setting my goal for my birthday, May 13.  I can’t pretend like it won’t be difficult to stay focused on this journey while studying for the bar exam - another journey for itself - but difficult is not synonymous with impossible. It can be done. And I will do all I can to get it done.

About butterflies: I first became a bit fascinated by them in the third grade, when we learned about the stages of metamorphosis in the life of a butterfly.  It was crazy to me that a creepy, crawly caterpillar would grow up to be a beautiful, airy, winged creature and that to do so, the caterpillar had to wrap itself up, seemingly unwillingly, in a cocoon, and go through some stuff while wrapped up.  As I got older and experienced some things, I began to see the parallel between the life of a butterfly and the stages we go through in our lives. I’d say that in terms of my life, I’m still very much in the cocoon stage - but getting very close to my time of emergence.  Furthermore, I think that the butterfly’s life can be used as an analogy for the process we have to go through in order to achieve a goal - for there is usually a beginning stage that we walk through with at least the goal in mind, then the actual process towards getting to the goal ensues (with all the highs and lows and difficulties included) and then, the goal is achieved and we move on to the next stage - living our lives with this goal, and whatever it could mean.

As a result of my view on butterflies and life, butterflies are symbolic of the goals I wish to achieve, and of me living to my fullest capacity. It’s funny that, considering the symbolism I place on butterflies, that they are just what I feel when I’m taking a bold step towards what I want.

Since this blog is about weight loss, you would think I’d be using this space at this particular time for some sort of rant or lament about the woes of Thanksgiving to someone trying to lose weight but nuh uh - none of that will be happening. Considering my Thanksgiving plans (food based activities with three families, basically) I am certain that I will not be following Dr. Ian’s recommendations for Day 5! Whatever. I’m not concerned. Slipping off a plan or even setting aside a day to not follow the plan isn’t a failure on my part unless I get down on myself and view it that way.

And I am so thankful that I’m at a point in my life where I could even HAVE that point of view.  This is the time of year when we should only be thinking of what we’re thankful for and not getting down on ourselves for eating - but I know it happens to those trying to lose weight. I can’t think of how many WW meetings I’ve been to where I’ve heard someone cry or lament about the holiday. We should be thankful for what we have everyday - but I know on this particular day I will be focusing on the abundance of blessings in my life. I hope that you will be doing the same while enjoying your turkey!

The past few weeks of my life have been a bit tumultuous and distracting (hence the blogging hiatus).

I found out I failed the bar exam almost two weeks ago - and the things that seemed a bit topsy turvy got totally turned on the head! I guess things needed to be shaken up though, because the bad news forced me to re-examine my major goals, the things I’m currently doing and the path I’m taking towards my success.

The re-examination has made me face up to the fact that Weight Watchers just isn’t working for me anymore.

I’m not saying that Weight Watchers isn’t a fabulous program and I am definitely not saying that it doesn’t work. I think the program is great and I know that it works because it DID work for me.  Now if you take note of the word in the previous sentence written in caps, you might notice that the word is the past tense of the verb “do.” And as the past tense of a word shouldn’t be used to talk about something in the present, what worked in the past shouldn’t be used as a clear indication of what will work in the present. It did work once upon a time, but as I have tremendously changed as a person since 2001 (when I lost 30 lbs on Weight Watchers) what I need has changed tremendously too.

So I’m trying out Dr. Ian Smith’s 50 Million Pound Challenge. There’s a 30 day meal plan that seems relatively easy to follow so far - well except today - I was all kinds of off today. It’s easy because while it is clear about what you should be eating each day, there is a bit of flexibility too - enough to be able to fit it into my random style of eating (the style that lead me to believe Weight Watchers was the best way to go). I can see how the plan is actually designed to teach someone exactly how they should be eating. So we’ll see what happens. Frankly - I know what I should be doing - but how to do it is another story.

I read somewhere recently (and I wish I remembered where) that if taking a clear step towards success makes you feel uneasy, its an indication that it’s probably the right thing to do.  Nothing gets accomplished when you stay inside your comfort zone. I think Weight Watchers became my comfort zone - I was WAY too familiar with the program - but with no results. The idea of actually following through with the 30 day meal plan gives me butterflies in the stomach!

Talking about butterflies - I was all a flitter when I came across my goal dress:

Last week on the Biggest Loser, Colleen (who got kicked off that week) was able to fit into a shirt she brought with her to the ranch as an anchor for reaching her goal.  It was so inspiring to see how far she came during her time on the show, and to see her fit into that shirt (which was so cute)!  Now the idea of fitting into something after losing weight isn’t new - but the things I’ve been using haven’t been so… special. They were cute but nothing to go crazy over. But then, browsing around on a break at work I came across the above… and then came the butterflies.  I have absolutely nowhere in mind to wear the dress… I just want to fit into it… (first things first though - because I have to order it!)

More on butterflies later, I think.  They’re a pretty important symbol for me.

During the past two weeks I’ve eaten so much CRAP - in particular, a considerable amount of burgers and fries and potato based products (fries AND chips).  So when going back to my Weight Watchers meeting today I expected to see this ridiculous weight gain on the scale. But I didn’t.

I only gained .2 lbs in the past two weeks! I was amazed.  I try not to get caught up on the # on the scale but after this morning’s sodium filled McSkillet Burrito (9 points, two Monopoly game pieces and 10% off at Foot Locker. Not too shabby…) and my gastrointestinal transgressions from this past weekend (involving Chinese food, potato chips and a bottle of Pinot Grigio) I figured that I would at least see two pounds on the scale. But .2???

So I told the ladies at my Weight Watchers meeting about this and when asked what I was possibly doing right I drew a blank but realized that I actually did do some good during my WW absence:

• I ate more veggies (brussels sprouts and spinach in particular, but also when ordering the chinese I got roast pork and snow peas - steamed, no sauce. Lots of fresh veggies in that dish.)
• I’ve been walking more - I’ve been aiming for 15 minutes at least, a day.
• I’ve kept up with my water

Now imagine if I did all that AND actually didn’t eat all those burgers?

So I got home from my meeting at 7PM and noted just how hungry I was when I walked in.  Noticing my hunger and looking at the time reminded me of an important “rule’ I’ve been following lately…

The “Rule of Three” dictates that you eat every three hours.  I first read about something like this in Dr. Oz and Dr. Roizen’s book You: On A Diet (great book!) though I don’t remember it being called a “rule.” I was reminded of it about two weeks ago in one of the many daily email newsletters I receive that are dedicated to weight loss.  In following the “Rule of Three” you should be alternating meals with healthy snacks.  I considered doing this for about a week and really started it last week.  I think it may have made all the difference.

One thing discussed in You, On A Diet and just about every other piece of writing I’ve ever read about metabolism boosting is that eating more often increases your metabolism.  The more you eat, the more you lose.  So even though I feasted on my burgers and fries this past week I also ate pretty often - not just waiting until I was hungry. And when I walked in at 7PM I remembered that the last time I ate was 4PM. It was total “aha” moment!  Unfortunately, I’ve done the whole two-three weeks off Weight Watchers and pigging out thing a number of times in the past - too many times really - and because I’ve done it before I figured I knew what to expect on the scale.  But I didn’t factor in the Rule of Three.

So this next week I will keep with the Rule of Three and actually count my points and eat healthily and what not. Let’s see what happens.

First thing this morning, I looked at a picture a friend of mine posted of us on Facebook from her birthday celebration Saturday night.  And while I love the picture - I’m flanked by two of my favorite people, all smiles and nightclub sunshine from celebrating my girl, Grey Goose and good music - I HATE MY FACE in the picture! Ugh.

I’m not comfortable with my face.  It’s not even about my body (even though of course it’s about my body too). But my particular discomfort is with my face.  I find some people’s facades get a downgrade with a weight gain and some don’t.  I, unfortunately, am very much the former.

Recently I came across a picture of me from 2003 - 5 years and 30 lbs ago - and I marveled at how much slimmer my face was. And prettier, frankly. Ugh. Also, I recently read my astrological profile from some website and the reading said, plainly, that while I’m the type of person that has a tendency to be fuller in shape (Tauruses tend to be) being overweight goes against the image I try to project.  It’s true!

Sidebar: I just heard the nuttiest thing on The Biggest Loser! Phil vomited from his workout and Jillian says, “if you’re not puking, you’re not working out hard enough.” I know it was a joke - but damn! I can’t stand her! But I digress.

About the image I try to project: I’d say I was a bit trendy but I definitely can be a bit unique too when it comes to the things I wear and I’d like to wear. And it’s very often that I see something I’d love to wear and it doesn’t come in my size and there isn’t an equivalent in my size. This is often the case when it comes to shoes: my calves are too big to fit into the fabulous knee boots I’d love to wear and my feet have spread and I can’t rock the dainty stilettos like I used to.  I also like streamlined looks - pencil skirts, skinny jeans, structured tops and things of that sort - and I wear them, but I know I’d look much better in them at a size 6!

So I’m not comfortable with my face. I had this in mind as I got ready for work and of course, I got uncomfortable with my general appearance. My outfit was cute and well put together (wine colored three quarter sleeve jacket with ruffles in the front and on the edge of the sleeves, with a cinched waist and a bubble hem, black tee under, black wide leg pants and bronze colored shoes.) but I STILL didn’t feel comfortable in my clothes. I put on my mark lipgloss in Hot - a shade aptly named - and STILL wasn’t comfortable! Got to work (oh yea, I got a temp gig!) and had a discomforting morning with my work. And then came lunch.

This is where it got better, and then worse. Better because I ran to eat comfort food (Steakhouse sandwich from Au Bon Pain and potato wedges with BBQ sauce from KFC… yum!) and it did the trick for like an hour or two - and then the guilt set in.  I felt wrong about eating what I had eaten and felt like giving up.  This feeling combined with a less than great interaction on the job (ugh ugh) and some domestic issues made me feel SO DISCOMFORTED with my life - until just now.

The Biggest Loser rocks! It made me feel a bit better about my situations and my weight loss progress by throwing the contestants into activity designed to make them have to deal with discomfort. Some dealt with it better than others - but watching Colleen get up on that high landing (she’s afraid of heights!) was inspiring. She dealt with her discomfort, followed through on the task and that made her a success. It reminded me that life will bring discomfort - even if that discomfort is created by your own thoughts - but discomfort is NOT a reason to give up!

Things may not be so great at the moment but they will change. Meanwhile, I am very comfortable with the idea of being a success!

I absolutely love The Biggest Loser! The show is great - inspiring really.  It’s like a weekly reminder and motivator to stay committed to my own weight loss/health improvement goals. Watching those people fight to win the competition and fight for their health is great anchoring tool - but while watching this week’s episode I saw a dangerous message being sent about weight loss and life that has had me thinking ever since.

The problem with the show goes to the heart of the problem of comparing ourselves to others - in particular, comparing our journey towards a specific goal with another’s journey to the same or a similar goal.  The problem with comparisons is that SOMEONE is bound to fall short - which can both diminish the accomplishments of the person that fell short, and give the person who came out on top a false sense of victory.  This problem with comparisons is clearly the point of The Biggest Loser! They work themselves (and overwork themselves, at times) to lose more weight than their competitors so they can win whatever prizes the show awards.  The awards are a great motivator - but the ultimate prize is the improvement of health and lifestyle that results for ALL the competitors - but there are many times when the show is clearly pushing these people to lose as much as they can solely to beat the other teams and not so much because losing that extra pound or two will be healthful or helpful to their state of being.  And push as they might - the competitors are not in complete control of how much they lose - it’s just not how weight loss works.  Men tend to lose weight easier than women - the heavier a person is the more pounds they have to lose (and will lose) in a given period - and there are other physiological factors that make a difference (like when a woman is on her monthly, for example.)  So was Ed a failure this week because he didn’t lose any weight (I am so sad he’s gone!)?? No. He worked hard like they all did - and from what I saw of his “Where Are They Now?” segment homeboy doesn’t seem to think he’s a failure - but the comparisons and the lack of a result this week is the kind of thing that makes MANY people think their efforts are a waste.

Dangerous. It’s the kind of thing that can totally derail someone from their weight loss efforts.  It’s a bad idea for anyone who wants to lose weight to compare their efforts to another person I think - and I say that from my own experience and observations. It feels motivating at first but as soon as some result doesn’t come through like a potential loser would want it to, the weight loss competition can be what throws the loser off track. That, plus seeing their competitor actually lose, can make the loser a gainer. No good.

Everyone’s an individual with our own individual bodies and circumstances and struggles and these things make our weight loss efforts a very individual journey. No two people will lose weight or inches the same way - and losing a bit less than someone else during one week definitely doesn’t make someone a failure.  The problem with The Biggest Loser is that some people may watch and think that it does. No good.

Check out the guy who got eliminated this week . I like him and his wife the most out of all the couples on this season - and this clip totally demonstrates why.  He’s definitely a success!

Last week was so bad that I couldn’t even bare to write - a first for me.  Usually when things get tough, all I want to do is write write write it out - but I couldn’t. The past month has been particularly rough but it was probably at its worst last week.

The lesson: If I plan for anything, I should plan for my plan to be derailed, at least a bit.

I don’t know if that makes any sense - but I have found in my life that planning is not exactly the useful tool that others people make it out to be.  I work best with a clear goal and a rough idea of how I’m going to accomplish it - far from the detail that a “plan” entails.

The truth: When I make plans, God laughs.

So I interviewed for a position last week that I was SURE that I would get.  Well maybe not sure - but I was quite confident that I’d get the position.  And because I was so confident about getting the position, which would have started today, I started to plan on how I would use the money I’d get from this position.  God must have thought that was a riot.  I didn’t get the position and it sent me on a spiral that led me to experiencing one of the lowest points I’ve had in many years, which lead me to me pigging out on an Entenmann’s brownie and Haagen Dazs Vanilla Honey Bee ice cream. (Both are so good!)

At my WW meeting last week, which took place the day before the bad news and tasty therapy, we talked about emotional eating. I mentioned that ice cream was my comfort food of choice (brownies come in a close second and are usually more of a monthly craving, if you know what I mean) and I got some great suggestions for substitutes, including the Weight Watchers smoothies (only 3 points - and can be made to be as creamy as you want) and tea.  The girl that suggested tea said it was soothing and comforting to drink something warm, and certain kinds of herbs have soothing properties.  Now none of that about the smoothies and about tea was news to me but it never occurred to me to try them in place of my brownies and ice cream therapy… a great idea.  If only I had remembered it the next day, when I got the bad news about that job! But I do believe it was what I needed. Usually when I seek brownie and/or ice cream therapy I feel bad afterward - but not last week.

The lesson: There are times when indulging is OK.

Since then, I’ve been drinking A LOT of tea…

When it comes to weight loss, they say that planning is helpful: planning to exercise, planning what you’re gonna eat, etc.  I’ve been trying to lose weight for a long time and so I already know - planning when it comes to weight loss DOES NOT WORK for me.  It makes sense that planning would be helpful - not just in weight loss, but in life generally.  The whole “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail” idea - it’s logical. But planning doesn’t work for me.  In every single area of my life, I’ve always excelled when I didn’t plan ahead too much,  but merely pursued my goal with an idea of what I’d need to do next in order to accomplish it. I have yet to let that way of operating work for me in terms of weight loss. I’ve found myself feeling insecure about reaching my goals and so a plan seems to help me feel secure - until I slip off plan - which is when I’d get discouraged and give up.

But no more of that! As with all other areas of my life, I just need to take this weight loss thing one step at a time, and focus on what I need to do next.  I’ve been walking more, which I believe will be helpful. I’ve been cleaning more which will be helpful because it’s necessary, it’s exercise and it will ultimately create room for me to work out at home. But I can’t get all the behavior changes down at once. I can strategize for the days when life throws me off track. I can go with what I know will be best for me and what I know I need in the moment.

The truth: When it comes to weight loss, and the job hunt, and everything else in life, my plan is God’s plan.

I haven’t been doing very well this week, and not just in the weight loss area.

Right now I’m experiencing a bit of stress in a number of areas in my life and this has impacted my weight loss efforts this week.  I did make it to the Weight Watchers meeting on Tuesday - late but I made it! And I was late because I was so preoccupied with everything else that’s going on.  This preoccupation has also made me less aware of my eating habits, which led to me slacking (already!) with my tracking my points and exercise and even drinking enough water.  Life can get in the way of achieving my goals - but then my goals are set to improve or help my life in some way.  I’m sure to experience obstacles, but what can I do when faced with them?

I was doing some thinking, and then some writing about perseverance and in particular, persevering through a particular situation I’m in . This lead to me doing a google image search for “perseverance” - I was looking for images that demonstrated it in principle - and I came across this very interesting post on the concept.  (You should definitely click the link - the blog is great!) The most significant part of this post was the quote from a book called The Grandmaster’s Book of Ninja Training:

People create all their barriers for themselves. It’s really such a foolish thing to do. We create our own obstacles and lose our own way in the search for truth. So it represents no barrier for me now. All that it’s necessary to do when one faces a barrier is just keep walking, paying it no attention. Just keep going, keep walking, and the obstacles disappear! In my case, when I appear to be in trouble and I think I won’t make it, I just keep walking. And so it continues, even today.

Perseverance is a concept that I’ve clung to during the last four years of my life.  I don’t know if I would have made it through law school without holding fast to the idea of moving ever forward in the face of troubles and obstacles.  Law school in itself is quite the difficult - damn near abusive - process, but I’ve also dealt with many troubles personally during this time.  But I just kept moving forward, and moving on towards my goal.  When it comes to the law, I’m still moving forward towards my goal: this job hunt is just another stage in the process. And when it comes to weight loss, the only answer to my question is to conduct myself as I’ve conducted myself with every other goal I’ve been given: Keep moving, keep going.

Note to self: Study more about the ninja philosophy.  Could be helpful.

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I don’t believe I can actually lose 80 lbs.

I want to lose 80 lbs.  I want to be healthier.  But what I want to accomplish and what I believe I can accomplish are two different things.  And in this case, the difference is PROBLEM!

Last night I created a virtual before and after of myself using Prevention.com’s weight loss simulator .  The “before” image is more or less accurate (I think my boobs are a bit bigger) but as for the “after” - I looked at it and realized that I don’t believe that I can actually accomplish the real life version of the virtual “after.”

I think the Prevention.com tool is useful - it’s definitely helpful to have a way of visualizing your success. Seeing is supposedly believing, right? But looking at the virtual after - I actually feel a bit discouraged.

Maybe 80 lbs. as my ultimate goal is unrealistic.  I’ve lost weight in the past and I definitely believe that I will lose weight again.  But 80 lbs? It’s overwhelming.

Maybe I’ve been looking at this in the wrong way. In Weight Watchers meetings, it’s often said that it’s best to focus on smaller goals along the way than it is to focus on the ultimate goal.  In the program, your first weight loss goal is actually 10% of your weight at the time of registration, then another 10% or 25 lbs (whichever comes first).  I don’t think I ever paid enough attention to this WW fundamental (which may be a part of why I’ve failed in the past? ) Ten percent of my weight - 23.5 lbs - is definitely doable!

This is my before/after losing 23 lbs:

And I definitely believe I can accomplish this “after!”

Tomorrow I’ll be going to my first WW meeting in a long time. A part of me is afraid to go back. I’m afraid of going, doing well, messing up, and then giving up. I hope this time I don’t fall off the WW wagon.

Welcome!

So at the moment, I’m an unemployed, unlicensed attorney (read: I just graduated from law school and the sucky job market is kicking my behind!) with dreams of changing the world through my work in the law, writing a best selling work of literature, losing 80 lbs and running a marathon.

I guess you could say that I’m short on money, and long on dreams.

In between my job hunting and goal setting, I’ve found that I have a LOT of time on my hands with which to pursue my weight loss goals and write.  I’ve been doing some about-me blogging here: Tricia says and creatively inspired blogging here: Tricia writes - but I have NOT been using my time wisely when it comes to weight loss.

This is where this beautiful new blog comes to play.

Since I was a little girl, I’ve found that writing has helped me get work through my problems.  And my weight loss battle is a PROBLEM.  It’s not so much about my appearance - I don’t think I’m doing too bad in the looks department with my big girl body.  It’s just that being the weight I am puts me at risk for a number of diseases - diabetes in particular - a particular concern as I am pre-diabetic.

It’s also a problem because I’ve been trying to conquer my weight loss issue for YEARS. I went on my first diet when I was in junior high - some craziness that had me eating all meat one day, all veggies the next day, and then a particular combo of things. I lost weight but - of course, I gained it all back.  The first turning point came after my freshman year of college - when I gained that dreaded Freshman 15 - but doubly so.  Gaining almost 30 lbs (27 to be exact) sent me running to Weight Watchers in the summer of 2001 - and with Weight Watchers, I lost those 27 lbs. And then I went back to college and eventually gained them all back.  And then I went to law school, and gained some more.  Between 2001 and 2008 I dropped and rejoined WW maybe 8 times. (Pathetic!) I kept going back because of my first go at it was the most success I’ve ever had with a weight loss attempt and I figure that if the program works, I should be able to work it.

Since I’m unemployed I can’t afford to keep up with Weight Watchers after next month but I plan on going to as many meetings as possible until my membership expires. I’m also reading this book: You, On A Diet, which so far has been rather enlightening about how this weight loss stuff works. So between the book, the remaining WW meetings I have left in my membership plan and writing in this blog (you know, along with a proper diet and exercise) I’m hoping I can finally be a loser.

FYI: This blog will not feature any postings about my intake - unless I find my intake interesting.  What it will be about (most likely) are my observations about process, changes in my health/body (hopefully for the better), any great recipes, ideas, tips and tools that I come across. Also, I’ll probably be blogging a bit about another goal which relates to my weight loss efforts - running a marathon!  (I just really started running - on the treadmill. As I will have to give up my gym membership next month, I won’t have a choice but to man up and get running on pavement! Ugh.)

Being a loser (of weight) is quite the process.  Let’s see how it goes.